Chapter 20.

And this is the rest of our lives.

I woke up to the most horrible news today. I met a guy when I was 19. He was friendly, funny and the most welcoming person I had seen at that time. It was then that I decided, "He's going to be something HUGE." Was it the way he spoke or the way he analyzed everything, I still don't know. All I know is I never remained friends with him and today, he is not there anymore. His talent, his words and his sense of humor are all going to be linked with the past now. As of today, Zain Haider is dead. A debater, an actor and a genuinely nice human being, I guess all he had was this little time to make us all laugh, to awe us with his talent and then, well, walk away.

Perhaps obituaries will be written on Facebook, names will become hashtags, a text message will circulate and then we will all move on. We will occasionally remember him, shed a tear and we will move on. We won't come out of the bubble we are creating or fear God that ours might be the next name spreading like wild fire. We will still write notes on social media of thank yous and sorrys but we won't come up in person and say it all. People deserve more than that, our friends and family deserve more than that. We deserve to be more than a name as a hashtag with everyone's condolences. Zain Haider deserved to be much more than the 'LSE boy who passed away at 25'

Well done, world. 

Chapter 19

This one is for all of us. The ones who need to stop and take a breath. The ones who need to remember those we cut loose.

In the loving memory of the amazing people that we had.

Now, lets move on.

Chapter 18

The story of a Once-Upon-A-Time pregnant woman

I was 15-20 KGS above my normal weight, having the most difficult time adjusting to the married life in a new country and though it should have been a cherry on top, it was s h o c k I n g for me to find out about my pregnancy. I was hardly able to take care of myself and a surprise baby here?

Well, tears were shed, lethal words thrown towards my spouse and I really did think it was the end of the world. Until I accepted it and did everything I could. I slept right, ate right and did right by the tiny dot in my belly. Until it hurt. And I thought it was normal. Until my ultrasound. Until my medicines. Until the moment I couldn't hear the heartbeat. Until 3 weeks after when I aborted and flushed it down after 3 hours.

It was heartbreaking and I always shed a tear. I had decided I wanted a girl and prayed for one. I picked a name and I looked at the cutest clothes. I had planned my entire life in a matter of 4 weeks. Till I had nothing to look forward to.

Fuck you if you treat a miscarriage as a casual affair. If you think it was just an incident and everyone goes through it. Fuck you for not supporting your wives through it. Fuck you if 'it happens to everyone' was uttered even a single time by you.

It is a precious gift, a precious feeling and something that is only yours. It is something you should be open about, you should love and you should celebrate. It is natural, for fucks sake.
Celebrate it. Enjoy it.
:)

Chapter 17

Stuck at the green light.

You'd think life has some promising answers after a while but such is life. From being wild and young to being.. Well, not so wild and young anymore. When the weight you put on gets difficult to put off, it's not okay to run away from reality and music does not really help. Heartbreak is a thing that you hardly remember and sex and drugs are an actual thing, the green light does not let you move. And yet, you know, you're just moving forth. And you're still stuck. That make sense?

Chapter 16.

Come to think of it, the fault is all ours. We have been built in a way that we expect a lot from men. From books to movies, our expectations have always been for men to be ideal for us. Like they would understand, like they would be our support. Well, honey, fuck that. From father's, brothers to husband's, they can seriously take a hike. I refuse to let a man control my emotions to that extent, to affect me like he is the center of my universe. Let me tell you, love is one thing but expectations are another. Just know, there will always be disappointments because men were born weak and we don't get why it's this way because we were born to step over every weakness and be strong for ourselves. Be yourself and be unapologetically happy about the strong woman that you are. It's so worth enjoying yourself

Chapter 15

I don't know what God intended when he made me feel a bit too much a bit too many times. Having bipolar disorder is something so lethal that makes you question your entire life. From the little things in life to the biggest moments, there are just questions in my mind now. I don't understand the word 'normal' since I learned that I am bipolar. Love, hate, confusion - every sentiment has a question mark at the end if it. My world got a bit too many question marks in it today and it's getting more difficult with every passing day. Judging things keeping in mind my illness has become a tedious task. It tires me and has taken a toll on my mind as well.
Being bipolar is not just a condition. It's a haunting fact that I just have to accept now.

Chapter 14

Perspective is everything.
I remember reading this short story in A level literature which has been on my mind ever since. Katherine Mansfield has had that impact on me
It was about a wife who was feeling beautiful and sensual one night. As she prepared for dinner she glanced outside and saw a tree and her thoughts went on to describe the beauty that she saw. How the moon was shining on the leaves and the reflection she saw. Her perspective of beauty here and how she saw things was so evident here and the contrast of how she felt later that night was heart breaking. As the events changed towards the end of the night, the character reflected how her world shifted upside down and yet, the tree still shone in the night, as beautiful as ever. How things did not change yet her life had. How perspective was everything.

How different life can be
Turning 26 at the end of this month and truly seeing the difference. How heartbreaking life can be.